Get a daisy flower, pluck and recite:
He loves me,
he loves me not,
He loves me,
he loves me not
……………………………………. until all the petals are plucked.
What began as a poetic expression of love in neoclassic poetry turned into a cultural tendency to humor possible matchmaking. 19th-century literature reimagined the concept of love, and the focus on ‘courtly love’ heavily increased during the era of Early Modern Europe. Today, society’s approach to romance is utilized through movies, books, magazines, and pop culture. Though the welcoming culture around this human emotion and experience is captivating, it also brings unattainable desires. We began seeking a relationship based on what we see in movies or written scripts designed to captivate us with a perfect, unrealistic scenario. This conceptualized message has led us to create unattainable journeys, which can lead to dissatisfaction once met with reality. Our reality is far from what commercial movies portray; emotional frustration can lead to adverse outcomes and indefinitely scar us.
For some people, the idea of falling in love with someone is absolutely terrifying. The term is better known as “Philophobia,” a word originating from the Greek words ‘Philos’ and ‘Phobos,’ meaning loving and phobia, respectively. Phobias are psychological disorders that develop in individuals due to past traumas, PTSD, or hereditary succession. When it comes to individuals with philophobia, it’s often related to negative childhood experiences, failed relationships, the fear of abandonment, and Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder (DSED). DSED is one kind of reactive attachment disorder; it can be witnessed in kids who lack affection, love, and interest. These individuals often connect with people they don’t know more than with those who love them.
Symptoms & Signs
Philophobia is an excessive and abusive fear of falling in love that goes beyond normal apprehension. The phobia is so severe that it cripples you and impacts your daily life. The symptoms differ from one person to the other. Some common emotional and physical responses include dizziness and nausea, rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath, shaking and dry mouth, avoidance, and panic.
People with philophobia commonly express the following signs:
• Avoiding all kinds of relationships: rejecting emotional endeavors and distancing oneself from romantic situations.
• Unconscious self-destruction: tending to jeopardize a relationship by being extremely jealous or possessive.
• Holding on to the past: finding oneself in a loop, repeatedly thinking about previous failed relationships.
• Difficulty opening up: fearing heartbreaks and being emotionally distant from a partner.
• Difficulty trusting people: finding it hard to believe that one’s partner won’t cheat or abandon you at one point.
• Interest is in the physical aspect of a relationship: Enjoying sexual relations with one’s partner but getting crippled at the thought of connecting with them.
Furthermore, the diagnosis is not official since philophobia is not listed in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). Nevertheless, in cases where the condition gets overwhelming, individuals should seek psychological assistance. When left untreated, Philophobia can lead to social isolation, depression, drug/alcohol abuse, and/or suicidal tendencies.
According to an article published by Healthline on Philophobia and how to properly manage the intensifying fear of falling in love: “It’s important to examine the source of the fear and to explore the hurt. “ When it comes to treating people with philophobia, the options vary depending on the severity of the phobia. Still, they mainly include: therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or a combination of these treatments are available. Individuals with philophobia can benefit from therapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT involves identifying and changing negative thoughts, beliefs, and reactions to the phobia’s source. In the case of medicine-based alternatives, doctors can prescribe antidepressants or anxiety medication to help treat symptoms in parallel with guided therapy. Last, rethinking your ongoing lifestyle can positively influence your condition. From exercising more and following healthy diets to implementing mindful methods in your daily routine, upgrading your lifestyle is a tool for caring for your mental and physical health.
Human nature is both expressive and protective, especially when it comes to our emotions. Wanting to shield ourselves from pain is only natural. However, when your overwhelming fear of loving someone begins to impact your physical and mental well-being or disrupt your daily behavior, the situation needs handling. For those who know someone close to them with philophobia, be there for them in any way you can. You do not have to understand their condition, but you educate yourself on it and accept it.
Taking action
It is easy for those individuals to feel lonely and unloved, so having a solid support system around them is very important to nurture a loving environment.
To care for your heart, you need to begin with your mind:
• Accepting your past and embracing your pain
• Understanding that the only way forward is forward
• Asking for professional guidance, treatments such as CBT and desensitization therapy can be effective tools to help you overcome this fear.
“I don’t always make the best choices, but today I choose compassion over intolerance, sympathy over hatred, and love over fear.” ― LJ Vanier
